So, as my very first post to my blog, I would like to share something about myself that typically draws a lot of controversy. Whatever your opinions are, keep in mind that this is my journey and I did what was best for me.
I am currently 24 years old ~ or young depending on your point of view. But we're going to rewind a little bit back to when I was 20. I was dating my high school 'sweetheart' when we unexpectedly got pregnant. This was a terrifying endeavor for sure, but we ultimately settled on adoption. I was mentally and emotionally unstable due to a very traumatic childhood, and he was very much in the same boat. Add that we were both very unstable financially, and you see how we understood that we absolutely could not take care of a baby. So we went through an adoption agency and picked out a loving couple. They were wonderful; I even invited my baby's new mother to one of the doctor's appointments so that she could listen to the baby's heartbeat.
His family was absolutely terrible about the whole thing. They didn't like me in the first place, but this just made it worse. So when I had the baby, they showed up to the hospital. His older sister decided to scream at me while I held the brand new baby in my arms. Nice, right? A month later, my 'sweetheart' went off to boot camp. During this time, I was tasked with planning our wedding. Our respective mothers collaborated against us, and we ended up having a courthouse wedding rather than a church wedding. Brilliant. Still, ignoring all the red flags, I married my 'sweetheart'. I felt obligated to at this point. We had had premarital sex and a baby. I had recently become Christian and thus, I felt that this was the proper thing to do. I'm now 21.
Fast forward a few months and I'm 22. We moved across the country to San Diego because he was stationed there. I could not have been more excited. My childhood dream coming true. Except, he never set anything up so that we would be ready to go when we got there. And I was never given power of attorney, so I couldn't do anything. For the first month and a half, we stayed at a hotel. For a couple weeks after that, we stayed with one of his coworkers and his wife. And then after that we stayed in a furnished apartment while we waited for our new apartment to be available. My family had given us start up furniture, but none of it had been shipped out yet. So for the remaining 5 months, all we had in this apartment was a mattress, three chairs, an outdoor folding table - think beer pong, and very basic kitchen supplies.
Things in our relationship that I had ignored are now becoming more prevalent. Our relationship becomes very strained as I try my hardest to make a narcissist happy. He had always been degrading towards me, but it was becoming something that happened all the time. Degrading turned into verbal abuse, which turned into arguments. Those arguments ended in him crying, telling me that he wasn't good enough and I made him feel like crap. Verbally abusive arguments turned into physical arguments where he would push me. Oh but he didn't hit me, so everything was fine. . . Until one night, when hell broke loose. Just a half hour previously, we were actually laughing together. Then he started again with the verbal abuse. One thing that really sticks out to me still is when he said, "You aren't my wife anymore. You stopped being my wife when you turned so bitter." And that's the night that he finally hit me. Two days later, I was gone.
My grandma met me in Vegas and we drove the rest of the way back. But not without making a quick stop along the way. Sedona, Arizona. One of the most beautiful places that I have ever been to! It was there, in those short four hours, that I healed enough to see the road ahead of me. I knew in my heart that everything was going to be ok. I have been working on my healing path for almost two years now. I do yoga, I now identify as Pagan, and I have never been happier in my life. Overall, I am doing a lot of soul searching. I have a lot of childhood trauma to heal from as well, but I am a Phoenix; the flames only make me stronger. I am a Warrior Goddess; I can overcome anything.
This chapter hasn't ended yet as I am still going through the divorce process. It's been almost two years since I left, so I'm really anxious for it to finally be over. But I know that the path ahead of me is filling with sunshine and fields of glorious flowers. Sure, it will rain occasionally and the nights may get dark. But the sun will always come back. Keep your head up! You can conquer the world!
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